Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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