Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
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you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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