a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
