you didnt know i had herpes?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
