Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
