we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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