My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
