If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I died a long time ago.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
