Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
