Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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