i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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