i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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