saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
