She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
