Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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