WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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