just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every concussion has its silver lining
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
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