I wish I only lived at night.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
