is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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