Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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