One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.