I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I CAN MOONWALK!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?