i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
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may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives