I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
