apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
