I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
