I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
