You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm too high and old for this...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".