She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.