Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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