I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
