Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?