Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
