Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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