did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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