my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
