The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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