i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
