chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
