I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
