Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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