I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
