Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
