Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i will never coherently bang her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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