tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
