Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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