It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
