Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My dick has a subreddit
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
