separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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