I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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