I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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