It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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