Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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