I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
