The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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