I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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