i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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