Heybabeimwearingurpanties
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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