i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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