I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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