Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
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Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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