I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
