under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
