I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
