I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
