chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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