FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
